Excerpt from Amazing Grace  12/30/00  (A letter to my lover)

I think you showed amazing grace when you chose to let me stay.
I think you showed amazing grace when you chose to change your mind.
It took strength to show me weakness.
It took strength to let it go
    and you let it go...
         how was i to know?
That you'd be right again.
That you'd call me on my bull shit
(but you did it)
and i'm realizing how extensively you have rocked my world.
Like showing me how the moon works.
Do you really think i can forget that?
[Be real, and tell me if there's anyone who's gotten in there like i do?]
Do you think that wasn't important to me?

Ok, back to the matter at hand...
I have placed emphasis on things, and over exaggerated things.  I have done some things -
I have excused every body that's come before you.  You do not need one.
I can not find one, and perhaps i have been looking for reasons...
Perhaps I have not been true, to myself, or to you.
My faith is in question.
Not between me and another, but my faith in you and i.
Had i lost it?

When you said i don't trust you, i see now, you were right.
At some point i threw in the towel and started believing something else.
It was an excuse for me
to dismiss myself from you.
I sabotaged us.
Now i am asking myself why? 
The answer is as i suspected...fear.

I was afraid the wondrous love you were showing me was one day going to end.
I was afraid my vulnerability would be capitalized upon.
I was afraid you weren't really who i thought you were.
And i lost faith in us.
When i did, it all came true...bit by bit
and i chastized you for not being true, when in fact, it was I who had lost the faith.
It was not you.

I tried to destroy everything we had so that i would not be in a position to get hurt.
In doing so, i hurt myself.
(I am being as plain as i can here.)  I am getting to the truth.
I am amazed at how it all got twisted, or how twisted i have been.
Once again, my eyes are open.
It is your greatness that has turned me around.
The caliber you displayed on X-mas day is unequaled in my history.

When i snapped, I broke.
The dysfunction, the malfunction could not hold up the damn, and i broke.
I thank God that it erupted, and it all came to surface.  I see it like never before.
I pray to god that i remain this clear - that i continue to see with this sight.

How you are still with me is a wonder.  
I have something more real with you than i have ever had before.
Now, it is even more so.

I wanted to 'be ready' so badly, that i tried to make it happen.

*THIS IS NOT THE COMPLETE TRANSPOSITION*