2.06.02  Break the Cycle

why won't you return my phone calls?
it hurts my feelings and my heart...
you used to call me all the time
you used to want to see me
then i went away and something happened.
you make me regret not coming over that night.

i think to myself, if i had just gone over there when you wanted your ekg girl...
if i just would just have gotten out of bed and drove over this would never be.
you would have woken up with me and this never would have happened.
you wouldn't have gone out with dan
you would have been with me already
i would be with you
i would still have a boyfriend
i wouldn't be hurting for so many weeks now
if i just would have came over – I wouldn’t beat myself up
my whole life would be different if i just would have gotten in the car.
my life has been one big regret for 4 weeks now.
sometimes i don't want to be alive
you said you wanted to be with me
you said you cared about what happened to me and to us.
you eased me and I believed you

you told me that you were thinking that I wanted to break up with you while i was in vegas. that you spent all week expecting that to be the case when i got home. i told you no, you were wrong. You were happy to hear that. i eased you. i told what was happening to me in vegas and how i just wanted to be with you, not apart from you. you said you were relieved. you didn't want us to break up either (so you said). i was so happy that we agreed. you were happy that you were wrong and then you wanted to see me.
But I didn’t get out of bed and I haven’t seen my boyfriend since
I fear I will never see him again.
Its like you died that day and it’s my fault
I don’t know how to forgive myself
mourning and grieving will not bring you back
You just don’t seem to care anymore

is that the problem? you forgot our conversation and went back to thinking that it was i who wanted to break up with you? Has this all been to protect yourself?
Have you been pushing me away so I wouldn’t do it first?
if i would have just come over i would still have my sweetheart, my love, my happiness.

you said you wanted to keep working on the paper and that all the times i couldn't pay didn't matter to you. you said you enjoyed it anyway. you even planned on helping me that sunday. i had invested trust in that. i looked forward to us working together, i planned on it and it wasn't the truth. You have not wanted to see me since.
i took it all to be true, but it was a lie, wasn’t it? Why would you lie to me so? i thought everything was going to be fine and if i would have just went over - because you wanted me too - it would have been. you kept asking me too. I am a fool.
if i just would have went i would not be crying right now
i would not have been miserable for the last 4 weeks.
if i would have went i would still be your girlfriend
if i just would have went we could be enjoying life together

but it seems like you’re throwing me away.
maybe i didn’t mean that much
you want to get rid of the thing that makes you see
you want to get rid of the person who reminds you there are troubles.
You say you want to change your life but
you will keep your friends who push you to fight
you will keep the friends who pride themselves on immature machismo
so unaware of how ridiculous they are. So ignorant, it’s a joke to the rest of us.
you will keep your friends that encourage you to binge
you will keep the friends that drive you, while drunk
you will keep on making plans with them (filling your days and nights with commotion)
…but you will forget me
you can keep the people who follow you like sheep and inflate your ego
and you let them! even though you can admit to me you think you're fucked up.
you will keep getting drunk and blacking out and they will drink right along with you.
They will pride themselves on how much they can drink and buy you another shot
They will make it seem ok because they are as drunk as you
and with out me it won't matter because
you won't have to look at the problems
you can just keep ignoring and drinking them away, avoiding them
pushing them soo much farther into your subconscious
filling your life with busy-ness as an excuse not to do the work -
the work your HEART KNOWS you have yet to do -
and ignoring the pain that keeps you from ever loving anyone
you shut me out so you don't have to acknowledge
you shut me out because i am the mirror
you don't want the help, you don't want to remember whatever it is that fucked you up.
you avoid reviewing your childhood
you avoid reviewing your relationships
you have become what you complained about - people that avoid introspection

you are throwing me away
and the part of you that knows better is not strong enough to stop you
you are passing up a chance to heal, to be healthy
and to finally be in love
there are so many things we could do right now because you are aware of the problem
hypnosis, reiki, meditation…the window is open… GO THRU IT!
you said you have to figure out what is wrong with you… why don’t you?
there are so many ways to break through this
and I’m standing here willing to help you
but you are too afraid.
a broken heart can never heal if you don't release the fear, if you don't acknowledge the pain.

it is a brave thing to love and no brave thing to fight.
pushing love away is no noble gesture.
‘tis nobler to face your fears and muster the courage to mend yourself.
A drunken poet is not that admirable and all the poetic complaints you pen
will never make the impact that a healthy writer can.
Keep thinking you don’t deserve it and you’ll never make the change.
You’re father left you, broke your heart
And you continue breaking more while you desperately seek the approval of men.
You won’t have the chance to show your children how great a father really can be if you never love yourself enough to break through the past and recover.
You won’t be able to love someone enough to even have children.

Break the cycle Chris.
You are better than this...